sick operation he's running.
[Door Opens]
My God, what have they done to you?
They've taken some of my blood.
- Bastards! - It's only for tests.
Of course it is. Come on, my friend.
Let's getyou out ofhere before they take anything else.
[ Groaning ]
Ah! Good evening, Dr Frankenstein.
Come on This way, please.
Come on. I haven't got all night.
And you, you angels of death.
About turn. Come on, let's go.
Come on, come on. Keep moving.
Come on. Over there. I know what you're doing here. And you.
Come on. Quicker. Quicker. Over there.
Now then,
perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
- What are you talking about? - You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?
I'm from MI7.
This has been a test ofyour emergency response systems,
and I have to say you've all done extremely well.
Right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
And, uh, get well soon.
Oh, God!
Sir. Sir.
[ Exhales ]
Did you just land on the wrong building?
I did a precautionary sweep of the immediate environment.
Right.
- And everything was fine. - Good.
Okay, let's go.
I will be downstairs at the reception--
- That's far enough. - Well, good evening.
- Perhaps you'd like this as well. - What is it?
- Let me show you. - Aah!
Well executed, Bough, but completely redundant.
- How do you mean, sir? - Super-strength muscle relaxant.
When he wakes up, he'll be as floppy as a damp old sock.
[Men Conversing, Indistinct ]
What's this?
That's the face of the archbishop of Canterbury.
[ English ] What are they doing?
[ English ] What's this got to do with the Crown Jewels?
Bough.
[ Beep, Whirring ]
[ Bough ] English.
A people whose empire once covered...
one quarter ofthe surface ofthe earth.
Alas, no longer.
My friends ask me, "Pascal, how can you be so interested...
in such a backward, grotty little country?"
My answer is simple.. the queen.
The queen has more power in hertiny white gloves...
than any other head of state in the entire world.
She can declare war or make peace,
and most intriguingly...
she can seiZe any piece of land which takes her fancy.
Ofcourse, the queen never uses...
the enormous power afforded to her.
But imagine someone who would use that power.
Imagine, say, me.
But how could he do that, sir? How could he make himself king?
The archbishop.
- [Sauvage Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Door Opens ]
Ow.
Hands up. There's a good fellow.
Heavily armed for a late night at the office.
You fool, English. You'll never get out of the building alive.
I'd save your breath for my questioning.
I'm not telling you anything.
Incorrect.
Sodium pentothal.
- I won't lie to you. It's a truth serum. - [ Groans ]
Now then, why does Sauvage want to have himself crowned?
You have no idea what's going on here, do you?
[ Chuckles ] It would be funny if it wasn't so "pablibblit."
What?
[ Mumbling Gibberish ]
- He's talking gibberish, sir. - I can hear that.
[ Groans ]
- He's collapsed onto me, sir. - I can see that.
- You don't thinkyou could've got the syringes mixed up? - What?
Given the guard outside truth serum and given Klein the muscle relaxant?
Aah!
Don't be ridiculous, Bough. I think I know my right from my left.
- Sir? - Oh, bugger it.
Bough, take "flodd."
- Take what, sir? - "Flodd." "Schlage."
- I'm not quite getting that second word, sir. - "Schlaaaagh!"
- Write it down, sir. - "Schlaaaagh!"
Yes! [ Muttering Gibberish ]
"C." C-A-- Uh--
Car! Take the car! We came by plane.
[ Muttering Gibberish ] Bugger off!
- Hold it right there. - [ Groans ]
- What's wrong with them? - I'm not telling you.
Wrong answer.
What is it with you two?
Huh? [ Groaning ]
Let's get outta here.
Sorry, but who are you, exactly?
Special Agent Campbell. I'm attached to Interpol in Paris.
We've been watching Sauvage for months.
Why?
Because every major convict released from a Sauvage prison in six months...
has been employed by one of his companies.
We believe he's recruiting them for a major criminal conspiracy.
- We just don't know what yet. - [English Mumbles Gibberish ]
- What did he say? - Pegasus!
We have to report to Pegasus!
Oh, no, sir. No, no, no.
- How do we get out of here? - Hey, you two!
What you did to me really hurt.
Yeah. Sorry about that. How do we get out of here without being seen?
Okay.
Left by the fountain, right by the fire exit, to the elevator at the end.
- Thankyou. - Oh, my God.
Nice job, Bough.
- Left, sir. Left! - [ English Muttering ]
[Bough ] Sir,you can't go to Sauvage's reception in this state.
The effect of the drug has practically worn off.
I'm "fline"--
"schline"-- uh, "gline"--
�ӡ� [ Orchestra ]
- Monsieur. - Ah. Thank you.
[ Glass Shatters ]
- Would you like another? - Please.
Thank you.
[ Groans ]
What in God's name--
Ah, Foreign "Sebretarary."
Um-- [ Moans ]
Aah!
- �ӡ� [ Up-tempo ] - Shall we dance?
[ Groans ]
Excuse me, sir. I'm very sorry to interrupt--
Pascal, how nice to see you again.
- Enjoying the party? - Oh, splendid affair.
I was until I was informed that your man English...
and his curious boyfriend here have spent the evening...
breaking into my office and assaulting my staff.
- Is this true, Bough? - Well, we-- we--
What do you think you're up to?
- Sir, if I could just offer-- - Go home, Bough!
Now!
I gave you direct orders not to meddle with Sauvage.
What do you do? Break into his office and assault two of his staff.
Then you march in here, loaded with God knows what, and insult the foreign secretary.
I haven't encountered such behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years.
- But-- - There are no "buts," English.
You're off the case. Your security clearance is hereby cancelled.
After a three-month leave of absence, you will return at your old grade.
And I hope never to hear your name again.
[ Thunder Rumbling]
[Sauvage ] English has seen too much.
We go to plan "B."
Get rid of the fake archbishop...
and green-light the visit to Her Majesty.
Then this pathetic country can humiliate itself...
by crowning me officially.
THE QUEEN'S RESIDENCE AT SANDRINGHAM
That's a letter of abdication...
renouncingyour claims to the throne...
and the claims ofyour entire family.
Sign it.
Never.
[ Yelps ]
- [ Gun Cocks ] - [ Whimpers ]
[Dog Barks]
- [ Rings ] - Yes?
Prime Minister, sorry to call so late, but I'm afraid the queen is abdicating.
What?
Abdicated? But that's not possible.
I only wish that were true.
- Let me talk to her. Maybe she just-- - Pascal, she's gone.
My people have spent the last 1 0 hours...
trying to track down the rightful heir to the throne...
and they've come up with a name, which they've double-checked.
Who is it?
- It's you. - No!
�ӡ� [ Whistling ]
[Radio Announcer] In the wake ofthe return ofthe Crown Jewels...
to a police station in North London,
Pascal Sauvage has requested that his coronation...
take place this Thursday.
In the House, the prime minister said he was looking forward to the ceremony...
and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage will make a fine king...
and will bring all that is best about modern Europe to our ancient institutions.
[ Doorbell Ringing]
Get your car keys. We've got work to do.
- Miss Campbell. - Sauvage is heading back to France.
He's invited 13 of the richest criminal masterminds in the world to meet him there.
I'm sorry, Miss Campbell. I'm off the case.
It's been reassigned.
I know. Reassigned to me.
- I want you with me. - Just leave me alone.
Are you gonna sit here in this grotty flat feeling sorry foryourself?
Or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
I'm gonna sit in the flat.
- Johnny, this is ridiculous. - I'm a spent force.
Spent, my ass.
Ow.
Will... you... please... stop?
[ Groans ]
I'll just be a minute.
NORTHERN FRANCE
It'll be nightfall in an hour. Then we can strike out for the chateau.
The fact is, the moment Sauvage gets that crown on his head,
he'll be able to do whatever he likes with the country that I love,
and that is why you and I have got to stop him.
- Relishing the thought? - Something like that.
I suppose you've made love to lots ofwomen, haven't you,Johnny?
Uh-- Uh, well, you know,
one does one's best.
It's just--
Well, it's been three years since my fiance left me,
and since then I haven't made love to anyone.
But then I met you...
and I felt this... hunger...
deep down inside.
I wanted to say things to you, I wanted to do things to you...
that I haven't wanted to do in a very, very, very long time.
[ Gulps ]
What, uh--
What sort of things are we talking about?
Things like punching you in the face,
kicking you in the backside for being such a pompous, know-nothing asshole.
But then I started to see beyond the idiot that everybody else saw.
I started to see the man on the inside...
who was determined to do his duty, no matter what or who lay in his way.
And I began to feel other things for him,
to want to do other things for him.
Things...
involving plastic toys and soft cheese?
- What? [ Scoffs ] - What? What?
You're toying with me. You're telling me to stop in the gentlest way you know how.
No. N-N-No--
You're such a special person...
not to take advantage of me while I'm vulnerable.
- N-No-- Well-- - So thankyou...
for being such a gentleman.
Not at all.
I know what you're thinking, Miss Campbell.
Ifwe don't pull this off, God knows what might happen to England.
Actually, I was thinking there must be a betterway in than that pipe.
Well, there isn't.
I've analysed it from every angle, and this is the best option.
I'll go in first, and if it's a clear way through, I'll call down.
Johnny.
- Be careful. - I'm always careful.
Ohh.
[ Gagging, Coughing ]
[ Fart ]
[Toilets Flushing]
- [ Tapping On Glass ] - Gentlemen.
In a few hours time...
I will become the next king of England.
[ Whispers ] Oh, no.
Hyah-- [ Gagging, Coughing ]
- How did you get here? - Up the ladder.
Pull yourself together. It's only a bit of poo.
Oh! Oh, it's cold! It's cold!
What is the one commodity...
the world never seems to run out of?
Criminals, gentlemen.
- [ Guests Murmuring] - Lawbreakers.
Every nation in the world struggles...
with the issue of overcrowded prisons.
So, what do we do with all these villains?
Find the solution to that problem...
and the governments ofthe world would payyou through their nose.
Fortunately, I have found a solution.
We empty every prison on the entire planet,
we take the resulting tidal wave ofhuman scum...
and we put it here.
[ Gasping, Murmuring ]
The moment I am crowned king,
I will turn England into the largest prison...
in the history ofthe world.
2 10,000 square miles...
ofprime real estate...
conveniently separated from true civilization...
by 20 miles of ocean...
- and soon to be available... - Come on.
for the entire world to dump its human waste in.
According to current projections,
we will not run out ofprison space for the next 500 years.
So, toni ght one, and only one, of you...
will leave here owning 49 percent...
of this venture.
So that's his little game. We must get hold of that DVD.
But how, Johnny? There's only two of us.
You're young, Miss Campbell, and inexperienced.
What you seem to have forgotten is that...
[ Over P.A. Speaker] nobody knows we are here.
At our disposal we have the vital element ofsurprise.
Now, my plan is simple but effective.
I shall drop from the gallery at this end ofthe room and take Sauvage prisoner.
You will then enter from the far door, cutting offany means of escape.
Then, using Sauvage as a hostage, we'll get the hell out ofhere. Clear?
Get 'em up, you French ponce.
But, Mr English, I'm gobsmacked!
What an unexpected surprise.
Surprises are very much my speciality, Sauvage.
I think we've seen enough of this.
I know exactly what you're planning, and I'm here to put a stop to it.
My bottom will be king of England before you are.
Wrong again.
Perhaps you'd care to look behind you.
Oh, please.
[ Weapons Cock ]
Lorna!
I'm sorry,Johnny.
Well, I'm afraid that we'll have to...
conclude the floor show for tonight.
Not so fast, Sauvage.
You may have taken me, but you'll never take England.
Not as long as I have breath in my body...
or a bullet in my gun.
[ Click ]
You know, Mr English, I'm going to miss you. Really.
You're very entertaining. I thankyou.
Take them away.
[Radio Announcer] Good morning, everybody,
and welcome to the breakfast show.
[ Speaking French ]
As the crowds are gathering here for the crowning of our first French king...
since the year 1 066,
call here at L ondon FM with the top ten things you most love about the French.
We haven 't had any calls yet, uh, at all,
but the lines are still open and I'll give you that number again--
0-2-0-7-- Zero, deux, Zero, sept--
This is not good, Johnny.
We've got to think of something.
[Johnny] Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Hop! Hop!
And hop! And hop! And stop!
Now, are you familiar...
with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan delta?
What?
It has long been their belief...
that a whistle pitched at the precise resonant frequency of a metal lock...
will vibrate the levers in such a way that the door will simply swing open.
Unbelievable.
- And kneel. - [ Groaning ]
Right. Here goes.
[ Whistle.. Ascending Tone ]
- [ Sighs ] - [ Whistle Continues ]
[ Tone Goes Silent ]
- I can't hear anything. - I'm into ultrasonic.
Will you just stop all this and face facts?
We've failed. The only thing that can save us now is a miracle.
- [ Rasping Tone ] - [ Lock Clicks ]
It worked!
- Ohh! - Sir?
I don't know why you hauled yourself up that dreadful poo tube, Bough,
when there was a perfectly good ladder right beside it.
Now, Sauvage may have fooled the country...
with his fake archbishop and his secret agenda,
but he hasn't fooled me.
- So, here's the plan. - [ Gasps ]
�ӡ� [ Orchestra, Chorus: Majestic ]
�� Let all good people rejoice ��
[ Chorus ] �� Rejoice ��
- �� Rejoice �� - Aaah!
�� Let all good people rejoice ��
�� Rejoice ��
�� And sing �ӡ�
Sirs, you are hereby called to witness the anointing...
ofyour one true lord and future king Pascal.
Pascal, are you willing to take the oath?
I am willing.
Then be thou anointed...
with this holy oil.
And do you, the chosen bishops of England, Scotland and Wales,
ascent to this anointing?
For Scotland, I do.
For Wales, I do.
For England, I do not!
[ Congregation Gasping, Murmuring]
- English!?
That man must not be crowned king because he is...
a fraudster, a charlatan and a thief.
No, please. Let him speak.
It is this man, Pascal Sauvage,
who stole the Crown Jewels,
who forced the queen to abdicate...
and who would kill anyone who got in his way.
It is the end, Herr English.
[ Yells ]
[ English ] He has cheated, conned and manipulated...
this great country for his own ends.
He's fooledyou all!
What's more, this whole ceremony is a sham...
because that man standing in front ofyou...
is not the archbishop of Canterbury.
[ Congregation Gasps ]
English, a word ofadvice: Don't go there.
Shut it, Frenchy. I'll go wherever I damn well please.
- Now take it off. - What?
Your face is made of plastic.
Remove it at once.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Right. I'll just have to remove it myself.
Come on! [ Grunting, Muttering]
- Maybe it pulls up from the front. - [Archbishop Groaning]
Come on, you!
- Aaah! - Thank you very much.
Must be a join here somewhere.
Fascinating performance as always, Monsieur English,
but I'm afraid we must move on.
Nobody's moving anywhere until I'm finished with this piece of low-life.
Do you or do youyou not...
have tattooed on your bottom the words,
"Jesus is coming-- look busy"?
- [ Congregation Murmuring] - Are you insane?
Well, let's find out, shall we?
Go on, over. Let's have a look.
[ Screaming, Gasping ]
- [ Laughing Hysterically ] - Excellent!
All right, so I was wrong about the archbishop's bottom.
- But there's more. - But not, I'm afraid, today.
Sergeant, please take this man away.
- But be gentle with him. - Do you think that's it?
You think I don't have more evidence?
My loyal subordinate is standing by with a DVD...
which shows Sauvage's hideous plans forthis country.
Get him out! Get him out of here!
- Play it, Bough! Play the disk! - Play it! Now!
�ӡ� [ Upbeat Pop ]
- [ Lip Synching ] - �� You're so hot teasing me ��
�� So you're blue, but I can't take a chance on a chick likeyou ��
�� It's somethin' I couldn't do ��
�� Well, I can dance with you, honey ifyou think it's funny ��
�� Doesyour mother know that you're out ��
�� And I could shout with you, baby Flirt a little, maybe ��
�� Doesyour mother know that you're out ��
- �� Take it easy �� - �� Take it easy ��
�� Better slow down, girl That's no way to go ��
�� Doesyour mother know ��
�ӡ� [ Continues ]
- Oi! - Hey!
[ Mutters In French ]
Well, shall we?
[ Sighs ]
[Archbishop ] Then as Solomon was anointed king...
by Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet,
so be thou anointed...
and consecrated king...
over all the peoples...
whom the Lord thy God...
hath given thee to govern...
and ofallyourpossessions,
wherever they may be.
And so, in the name of the Father...
and ofthe Son...
and of the Holy Ghost,
I crown you--
[ Congregation Gasping ]
[ Groans ] Damn it!
- Give it back! - No!
- That is my crown! - Never!
- Give it back! - Never in a million years, Sauvage!
- Give it to me! - Get off.
Merde! [ Shouting In French ]
Give it back!
- Stop! - Shut up!
[ All Gasping ]
All this stupid little country have to do is stand in line...
and do what it's told for one miserable day!
But can it do that?
My fragrant French ass, it can!
[ Gunshot ]
Merde!
- [ Gunshot ] - Aah!
Give it! The crown, eh? The crown! Go!
[ Shouting In French ]
And so, in the name ofthe Father...
and ofthe Son and ofthe Holy Ghost,
I crown you...
king.
What--
Arrest that man...
and lock him away.
[ Congregation Cheering]
�� God save the king Long live the king ��
�� God save the king��
�ӡ� [ Chorus Continues ]
�� Amen, amen, amen, amen Amen, amen ��
�ӡ� [ Continues ]
�� Ahh, amen, amen Amen, hallelujah ��
�� Amen ��
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
�� God save the king �ӡ�
Words can hardly expressjust how much we appreciate everything you've done.
Nothi ng more than my duty, ma'am.
And in return, is there anything that your queen and country can do for you?
Well,
since one is asking, ma'am--
[ Radio Announcer] In celebration ofher return to the throne,
the queen has declaredAugust 5 a national holiday...
and has conferred a knighthood on the unnamed MI7 agent...
responsible for foiling the plot ofFrench businessman Pascal Sauvage.
Mr Sauvage is now awaiting trial for high treason,
a crime which still carries the death penalty.
Iffound guilty, he's asked that his brain be donated to medical science...
to further research into the causes ofhyper manic schizophrenia.
Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent has left the country...
and has already embarked on his next challenging mission.
SOM EWH E RE I N TH E SOUTH OF FRANCE
[ Lorna ] SirJohnny English.
Her Majesty did seem very grateful.
She's not the only one.
Mmm. You are full of surprises.
Aaaah!
- Johnny! - Oh, f--
�� One eye on the shadows ��
�� Protecting his fellows ��
�� From sunup to the moon on his back��
�� Sendin' villains to Hades A hit with the ladies ��
�� A stallion in the sack ��
�� You can 't get your life back when right follows left,jack ��
�� The more you see the less you know ��
�� When others would leak it his service is secret ��
�� Plays God when it's your time to go ��
�� Hey, fellas Don 't be jealous ��
�� When they made him they broke the mould ��
�� So charismatic with an automatic ��
�� Never prematurely shooting his load, ha ��
�� Queen and country safe and sound ��
�� With villains six feet underground ��
�� And no one knows 'cause no one's found any trace ��
�� Of a man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
�� Andyou and I wouldn 't have a clue ��
�� Who 's doin ' what, why when and who ��
�� Up a creek with no canoe ��
�� Watch out for the man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone But safe at home ��
�� But safe at home But safe at home ��
�� Queen and country safe and sound ��
�� With villains six feet underground ��
�� And no one knows 'cause no one's found any trace ��
�� Of a man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
�� Andyou and I wouldn 't have a clue ��
�� Who 's doin ' what, why when and who ��
�� Up a creek with no canoe ��
�� Watch out for the man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone But safe at home ��
�� Queen and country Safe and sound ��
�� With villains six feet underground ��
�� And no one knows 'cause no one's found any trace ��
�� Of a man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
�� Andyou and I wouldn 't have a clue ��
�� Who 's doin ' what, why when and who ��
�� Up a creek with no canoe ��
�� Watch out for the man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
�� But safe at home ��
�� Oh-Oh-Ohh, yeah �ӡ�